Ipinaskil ni: ahkong | Hulyo 6, 2008

Dyok Only 2

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother’s house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat…
she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says “Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says “No he won’t, see I have a gun to protect myself.” She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother’s house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, “What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he’s going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, “No he won’t I have a big gun in my basket ….” She pulls out the gun “See, nothing can harm me.” Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother’s house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother’s house…and knocks on the door…no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, “Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!”

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, “No you’re not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!”

——

With the Babysitter

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says “Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her”. The babysitter responds with “OK”. They are cuddling when the boy says “Usually mommy lets me take a bath”. The babysitter says “ok”. The boy is in the tub when he says “Usually mommy gets in with me”. The babysitter says “Really? ok”. They are in the tub when the boy says “Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton” The babysitter says “Really? ummmmm ok”.

Then the babysitter says “Hey that wasn’t my bellybutton!” The boy says “That wasn’t my finger either.”

——

Oh my God

 

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini – “I want to feel your breasts” he exclaimed.

“Get away from me, you crazy old man” she replied.

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,” he says.

“Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!”

“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS” he stated.

“NO! Get away from me!”

“TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS” he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said NO!”

“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,” he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough… and $500 IS a lot of money… “Well, OK… but only for a minute.”

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, “OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD…” while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my god, oh my god’?”

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, “OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?”

 

——

 

I would pay you 10

 

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.

It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her “you have the nicest breasts”. She says “thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you”.

He replies “I would pay you $10 just to see one of them”. She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says “Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw….I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time”.

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says “your best friend just stopped by”. He answers “Great did he leave the $20 he owed me

 

——

 

Theory of Hell

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

——

Death Row

A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in.

“No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

“Do you have anything you want to say?”

“No, just get on with it.”

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner.

“Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”

—–

The Ultimate Question

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, “IS THERE A GOD?”

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. “There is now”, read the printout.

——

Bill Gates meets St. Peter

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???”

“That was the demo,” replied St. Peter

 

——-

 

Computer Illiterate

 

The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key,” “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks.”

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was “bad” and “invalid.”
The tech explained that the computer’s bad and invalid
responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens.” The “pedal” turned out to be the computer’s
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has “4X” on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

 

That’s All Folks !!!!


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